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Kirstie Alley Petitions Court For Schiavo Feeding Tube

WASHINGTON--As news circulated on Friday that doctors had successfully removed the feeding tube that has kept Terri Schiavo alive for the past 15 years, "Fat Actress" Kirstie Alley petitioned Circuit Judge George Greer to have the tube inserted into her own Oreo-bloated body.

"If she doesn't want it, I'll take it," said Alley. "Frankly, it seemed like the only way to save me from the indignity of chewing."

Clinton Has Bush Tumor Removed

Former President Bill Clinton underwent surgery today to have a growth removed that was later identified to be the elder George H.W. Bush. Clinton initially noticed the benign lump on his hip earlier this year while traveling in Asia to survey the damage of the tsunami that devastated much of the region.

Credit Card Industry, Religious Right Sponsor Bankruptcy Amendment to Bible

WASHINGTON--In a partnership of piety and profiteering, the credit card industry and the religious right have joined forces to sponsor an amendment to the bible that would make it harder for consumers to declare bankruptcy and easier for creditors to claim repayment of debts well into the afterlife.

The amendment would require that consumers provide God with a clean credit report from an authorized reporting agency in order to enjoy everlasting peace.

"People would like to think that they can escape their debts by dying," said Sen. Charles Grassle, R-Iowa, the amendment's primary author. "It's time we closed this loophole. God may forgive sins, but he doesn't forgive debts, at least not anymore. This amendment ensures that unscrupulous debtors are forced to replay their debts, even if it means working a minimum wage job in heaven. After all, some one is going to have to park the cars and clean the toilets in rich man's heaven."

The amendment does provide special exemptions for select organizations such as the airline industry, the petroleum industry, Republican campaign organizers, Halliburton and Dick Cheney's alchemy club.

Victoria's Secret Offers Support to Washington Boobs

WASHINGTON--Victoria's Secret announced earlier today that it will provide President Bush with technical assistance as he embarks on a 60 day, 60 city tour to promote his plans to privatize Social Security. The company has offered the Bush administration full use of the patented technology in its new IPEX bra, which has raised the bar in the field of breast distortion and illusion.

"We've spent a tremendous amount of R&D money on learning to exaggerate boobs," said Jeffrey Wilman, Victoria's Secret's design chief. "This is really just another application of that same technology. You'd be amazed at what can be accomplished with a little lace and piano wire."

For his part, Bush said that he was happy to have the support of the company. "To tell you the truth, this sounds like a lot of fun," he said. "It reminds me of that time in my life that we don't discuss, when I snorted that stuff that we don't discuss when I was supposed to be on duty at that place we don't discuss. Good times."

Today in History - February 25

990 BC - Bear worshiping cave dwellers scoff at the beliefs of goat worshiping tree people

450 - Anglos and Saxons combine DNA to form ultimate race of bad dancers

1859 - Religious zealots seek to obstruct science

1933 - "Great Depression" moniker considered misleading

1949 - Chinese communists celebrate victory of "The People's Revolution" by starving citizens

1955 - Americans confront the dehumanizing mechanics of communism with the dehumanizing mechanics of track housing

1967 - Dirty hippies gear up for "Summer of Love" with spring of "I like you a lot"

2005 - Religious zealots seek to obstruct science

SpongeBob, Jeff Gannon Plan June Wedding

TORONTO--Recently outted cartoon character SpongeBob and right-wing reporter turned homosexual escort Jeff Gannon recently announced that they plan to exchange vows in a private ceremony this summer in Toronto.

Controversy continues to surround Gannon, who was often given special treatment during White House press briefings, over his appearance on gay porn sites like Hotmilitarystud.com, Workingboys.net, Militaryescorts.com, MilitaryescortsM4M.com and Meetlocalmen.com.

However, SpongeBob has publicly sworn to stand by Gannon and not be absorbed into the mire. "This is a very joyful time for both of us," he said. "We're very much looking forward to merging our pineapples and building a life together."

SpongeBob, who was outted by Christian nut James Dobson, is no stranger to scandal. Earlier this month, it was revealed that, prior to achieving success on the small screen, the cheerful yellow sea creature worked as a contraceptive Todays Sponge and appeared in several homemade films with former Teletubby Tinky Winky.

How To Tell If You're Under the Mind Control Of:

George Bush - have desire to kick ass, any ass

The Mainstream Media - have desire to kiss ass, any ass

Arnold Schwarzenegger - have desire to grope ass, any ass

Donald Rumsfeld - have desire to kick own ass

Robert Blake - have desire to save own ass

Fox News Corp. - have desire to elect assholes

The FCC - have desire to ban use of the word "ass"

Karl Rove - have desire to be an ass

Hunter S. Thompson Shoots Neighborhood Pest

By Heuvelmeyer

WOODY CREEK, COLO. -- Police called to the home of journalist Hunter S. Thompson Sunday night told relieved neighbors that the celebrated author had just shot and killed "the most obnoxious resident" of Woody Creek. The victim, identified as Hunter S. Thompson, was a well-known NRA member with a long history of run-ins with the law, an uncontrollable addiction to mind-altering drugs, and a reckless fondness for loaded guns.

Bush Says America Would Back A Ron Artest Attack on Iran

By Heuvelmeyer

WASHINGTON--President Bush added a new twist to the international tension over Iran's nuclear program last night by pledging to support Ron Artest if he tries to destroy the Islamic regime's capacity to make an atomic bomb.

Asked whether he would back Artest if he left the court to raid Tehran's nuclear facilities, Bush first expressed cautious solidarity with the suspended Indiana Pacer. But he quickly qualified himself, adding that all NBA players should be concerned about whether Iran could make nuclear weapons. "Clearly, if I was a power forward on any playoff-caliber team, and I'd listened to some of the statements by the Iranian ayatollahs, suspended or not, I'd be concerned," he said.

Cyber-Thief Steals Corey Feldman's Identity, Then Returns It

BURBANK, CALIF.--In the latest case of identity theft, Steven Rabinski, 26, turned himself in to authorities after stealing former child actor Corey Feldman's identity, only to return it hours later.

Rabinski, a noted computer hacker, said in a signed confession that he had stolen Feldman's personal identity information from the computer system of Fair Collections Inc., a Los Angeles-based collection agency.

"I was sifting through the files and there he was," said Rabinski. "I thought it would be really great to be that guy from 'Silver Bullet' and 'License to Drive.' Wait, that's the other Corey. Anyway, I thought that it would be fun to be Corey Feldman. How wrong I was."

After securing Feldman's personal information, Rabinski went to Burbank Tavern. After his second glass of white wine, Rabinski allegedly stood on his bar stool and introduced himself as Feldman in an affected Shakespearian accent, according to witnesses in the bar.

"Behold, before thee stands a player of great renown, and methinks thou humble patrons are in for a treat this fortnight," Rabinski reportedly announced to the
crowd.

"I thought that it was odd, but we see a lot of odd things around here," said tavern regular Pete Jennin. "Still, this was the first time anyone has ever come
in here in a pirate costume."

When bar patrons failed to respond to Rabinski's antics, he allegedly burst into tears and began to threaten bar owner Kyle Christian.

"He just went berserk," said Christian. "He wadded his fists in two plum-sized balls and threw them in my direction. Of course, it didn't hurt. It was sort of tender, really."

Rabinski was eventually escorted out of the bar, where he proceeded to a nearby ATM and attempted to withdraw $40 in cash from Feldman's account. To his surprise,
the machine denied his request due to a lack of funds.

"It was at that point that I realized that being Corey Feldman is much harder than it looks," said Rabinski, who then deposited $30 of his own money into Feldman's account and turned himself into authorities.

Burbank District Attorney Greg Schneider told reporters that his office would prosecute Rabinski, but would likely recommend only a small fine.

"I don't think that there is any point in further humiliating Mr. Rabinski," said Schneider. "I think he's learned his lesson the hard way. I can only imagine the nightmarish punishment he endured during his hours as Corey Feldman."

At a news conference on the steps of the Burbank Court Building, the real Feldman appeared before reporters and newscrews dressed in a black unitard and a lavish
golden cape.

"Identity theft is a serious crime," said the former Goonies star. "But thankfully the perpetrator was caught before he could do any damage to my reputation."

Feldman then taunted reporters with a deck of cards."Pick a card, any card," Feldman said. "Seriously, I'm getting really good."

Hours later, Feldman continued to harass pedestrians walking by the building, as well as court officers. After failing to obey repeated requests to leave the property, Feldman was arrested on a single count of disturbing the peace.

Feldman is schedule to appear in court later this month.

Poll: How Will Americans Spend the Next Four Years?

11% - Getting high on the burning fumes of democracy

9% - Checking Dick Cheney for suspicious-looking moles

36% - Tea-bagging Paris Hilton

22% - Listening to James Earl Jones read the New Testament

15% - Pointing to where Catholic priests touched their no-no places

7% - Attending "Welcome to Canada" fish fries

Commentary: Mending Fences

United we stand, divided we fall.

The past few years have seen the American public split on core issues like never before, and the years of this intellectual warfare have taken their toll on friends, neighbors, family members and hobos shouting obscenities in the subway.

Simply put, Americans have been unable to find common ground regarding their thoughts on President Bush. To some, he is a megalomaniac asshole, while others find him to be a simple-minded douche bag.

We at the U.I. believe that there is room in the American political landscape for compromise. Perhaps when time heals the wounds of the recent past, we can all come together in a moment of harmony and agree that the President is both a megalomaniac douche bag and a simple-minded asshole. Let the healing begin.

History Through the Eyes of Pol Pot

"If I had to do it all over again, I'd take more time to smell the flowers. Yes, smelling flowers would definitely have helped to mask the stench of the three million people I slaughtered in The Killing Fields. Oh, and I'd grow a mustache, too. A Tom Selleck mustache. That would have been sweet."

--former Cambodian leader Pol Pot, upon his death in 1998

Fox News Accuses Itself of Liberal Bias

WASHINGTON--The Fox News Channel, often thought to be a mouthpiece for conservatives, turned its claws inward on Monday when it chastised itself for its own liberal biases.

Anchorman Brit Hume said that it was his journalistic duty to expose all traces of liberalism, even if that meant revealing his own seemingly innocuous character flaws. "To be fair and balanced, I owe it to our viewers to confess that sometimes while I'm smearing the names of honest men, I have a hint of guilt, not a lot, but a little," he said. "It's liberal guilt and I'm ashamed of it."

Hume then proceeded to tell viewers that if Democrats were to win in the congressional mid-term elections, they would likely celebrate by drowning Hefty bags filled with puppies.

Commentary: End Corruption with Kick to Nuts

Deeply embedded in the bowels of Washington, U.I. political strategist and historian #1183 has found a solution to corruption in American politics--a good, old-fashioned nut kicking.

It's an age-old strategy that dates back to turn of the first century when tribal Scotsmen would test a man's integrity by his willingness to submit to a punt to the chumblies. The Scottish Lie Detector, as it came to be know, ensured that any man who stood up to be a clan leader did so with the most pure of intentions, or with testicles made of granite.

A special U.I. advisory committee to all governing bodies has recommended that any man or woman who seeks elected office must submit to a boot to the boys from voters at the end of their term. (In the case of women, purple nurples may be substituted.) Citizens, of course, have the option to kick as gently or as hard as they like, depending on their satisfaction with the official, which will dramatically shift the idea of earned political capital.

Bush to Threaten Iran with Scowls in State of the Union

WASHINGTON--As President Bush prepares to deliver his State of the Union Address on Wednesday evening, administration officials have warned that he will set aside the fiery rhetoric of past speeches in favor of a series of smirks, pouts and scowls aimed squarely at the leaders of Iran's theocracy.

"I have seen the President rehearse his speech. I've seen the scowls. All I can say is, I wouldn't want to be in Tehran tomorrow night," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan.

In past addresses, the President has referred to Iran as being part of the "Axis of Evil," and as "Iran-apotemia," which was later clarified to simply mean Iran.

While the President's word choices have strained already tense relationships with the Iranian government, they have done little to curb the country's clandestine nuclear program. As a result, the administration has changed its tactics.

"The President has been exercising with gob stoppers and filling his cheeks with Big League Chew for weeks," said McClellan. "He is loose. He is limber. And he is ready to glower."

Iranian officials responded to news of the impending facial melee by threatening retaliatory action.

"If Bush thinks that we are just going to sit back and endure a frowning, he'd better think again," said Iranian Vice President Gholamreza Aghazadeh. "We are more than capable of firing back with a nuclear arsenal, oops, I mean, facial retort, that the West has never seen."

Exclusive: Interview with God

Breaking away from his (or her) hectic schedule of saving and smiting both believers and non-believers alike, God sat down with U.I. for a brief chat.

U.I.: First things first, do you really exist?
G: Probably not. But for the purposes of this interview, yes, I do.

U.I.: Time to give it up. Who are the real chosen people?
G: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

U.I.: Oh, come on.
G: Hillbillies.

U.I.: Get the fuck out of here.
G: It's true. The back door to heaven is through a jug band jamboree.

U.I.: Isn't that the title of a Waylon Jennings song?
G: If it's not, it should be.

U.I.: So do you really hate gays?
G: Nah, just Richard Hatch from Survivor and a handful of clergy and senators. I love Ellen. She really brightens up daytime TV.

U.I.: What is heaven like?
G: It's pretty sweet. Kind of like Sea World. But $11 for a beer? Come on.

U.I.: As a personal request, would you stop VH1 from remembering the 90s?
G: I would if I could, but I lost control of the afterworld last year in a hostile takeover bid from Rupert Murdoch. My hands are tied.

U.I.: That sucks.
G: Tell me about it.

Reality TV Star Discovers Nobody Cares

LOS ANGELES--Josh "Action" Jackson, former star of "Vote or be Voted," a reality television show where contestants vote one another on and off the program for unknown reasons, was stunned to discover that he isn't a real celebrity and will likely never work again in show business.

"I thought that I could parlay my 15-minutes of fame into a lasting career as an actor, singer, dancer, news caster, celebrity personality, side-kick, game show host or porn fluffer," said Jackson. "But when I stopped eating pig intestines and drinking monkey urine, it was like nobody wanted to watch me anymore. It was really strange."

Jackson is currently touring the country promoting a new brand of herbal supplements in gyms and healthclubs, though the FDA has raised concerns about the safety of the product. "I guess some people have complained about numbness and forgetfulness, but I can't feel a thing," he said. "So as we say in showbiz, the show must go...you know...to that place where it goes...when it's not here...you know...it goes there. That's showbiz."

Voting Equipment Shows Bush Lead in Iraqi Elections

BAGHDAD--Iraqi election officials voiced concern today when early tests of voting equipment spontaneously recorded over 4,000 votes for President Bush in a province with only 2,000 residents.

According to eyewitness accounts, when electronic voting machines were turned on at 8:00am on Monday morning, several had already logged hundreds of votes for Bush. By noon, votes for Bush measured in the thousands.

"While I'm not accusing anyone of any wrongdoing, I have a hard time believing that 4,000 Iraqis would vote for the white devil and Great Satan George W. Bush," said election commissioner Ayad Abdul-Hussein. "Especially since that was 2,000 more votes than were logged for Senator John Kerry."

The White House responded to the voting irregularity by saying that it was simply the result of an electronic glitch that could not be explained or recreated under laboratory conditions. However, the administration said that if Bush does in fact win the Iraqi election, he would view it as a mandate to replace the country's ethnic rivalries with class warfare.

FCC Bans the Word #@&##

WASHINGTON--The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced today that its Dirty Remarks Committee had unanimously decided to ban the use of the word #@&##.

According to FCC Chairman Michael Powell, though #@&## -ing is a totally natural human function, and despite that fact that everyone #@&##-s, the use of the word #@&## is far too obscene to be printed, broadcast or spoken in the presence of a medical professional.

"The time had simply come for us to ask ourselves **@$%#-ing hard questions, like what right do we as humans have to circulate words that seek to communicate the realities of the human experience?" said Powell. "When you think of it like that, banning these vulgar terms is a bit of a no-brainer."

John Mulbern, a free speech @#(## representing the (@=+!!@ Speech Organization of $$*@!@, responded to news of the ban with a simple, "That's #@##-ed up."

Mulbern was later fined $387,000 for that comment.

Recently, the FCC has embarked on an aggressive campaign to remove inflammatory or +@#$% words that cause @$#$% Americans to feel (:@@# from the English $%@#. If successful, the #$@#$ group will effectively @#$#$ the ability for #$^&* to #\@!@ without the &^$#@#$ or use of a &^#@$.

Californians Celebrate Inauguration by Inducing Earthquake

SAN FRANCISCO--California Democrats marked President Bush's swearing in for a second term on Thursday by gathering with shovels, pick axes, mining drills and spoons along the San Andreas Fault. The goal, said dig organizers, was to induce a massive earthquake that would cause the California Coast to drift off into the Pacific Ocean.

"For years we tried to prevent 'The Big One' from plunging us into the abyss," said Democrat Jay Murch. "But now, that doesn't sound so bad. I mean, come on. A second term? Are you kidding me?"

In a rare expression of bipartisan unity, Republicans from neighboring states joined in the event.

"It's nice when we can find common ground to agree upon," said Rusty Plankford, a Nevada resident. "And I think that we can all agree that the California experiment hasn't worked, so let's just let them float off to build their heathen utopia."

Undecided Voter Finally Chooses Candidate

"I know that a lot of people might find my decision a bit hasty, but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to make a decision"

COLUMBUS,OHIO--After months of hand-wringing and late-night soul searching, 41-year-old undecided voter Deborah Radner declared on Thursday afternoon that she had finally chosen a candidate for the 2004 presidential race.

"I know that a lot of people might find my decision a bit hasty," said the twice divorced Radner, "but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to make a decision. After all, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

Radner said that for months she weighed the pros and cons of each candidate in a mental tug-of-war.

To help cement her decision, Radner said that she spent months watching daytime television and looking for answers in the spiritual realm. Searching for a biblical precedent, she even went as far as to burn her own bushes in her backyard.

"I thought that, if I lit them on fire, they might tell me their other-worldly secrets," she said. "But all it did was clear a way for my spring garden and destroy most of my garage."

In the end, Radner said that she intended to cast her vote for consumer advocate Ralph Nader.

"I had an uncle named Ralph," she said, proudly. "I feel real bad that he went to prison for me."

When informed that the presidential election took place more than two months ago and that President Bush was sworn in to a second term earlier in the day, Radner said that she had changed her mind.

"Oh, in that case, I think I'll vote for Bush," she said. "Considering that he already won, I definitely plan to vote for him."

Hearing-Impaired Hater Claims Hollywood Controlled by Shoes

DETROIT--In his first public speaking engagement as a volunteer for the Aryan Association of Unemployed White Men (AAUWM), Bobby Wexley, a 48-year-old hearing-impaired computer programmer, told a group of would-be racists that Hollywood is controlled by shoes.

"You wonder who is infecting your children with their unwholesome ideas? It's the shoes!" said a visibly angered Wexley. "It's the shoe-controlled media that hides the truth from us, and the truth is that every day the shoes get stronger while we get weaker. "

Several members of the racist organization confirmed Wexley's participation in the group, though they said that he usually stood in the back of the room and often asked fellow haters to repeat themselves during post-rant discussions.

When informed that the group had no bias either for or against shoes, but rather had the goal of asserting the power of white men over all other races, Wexley expressed surprise.

"Really?" questioned a perplexed Wexley. "In a way, that makes more sense. But still, that's probably exactly what the shoes would like for us to think."

Today in History - January 17

2004 - America fights low-grade war against insurgent group

2002 - Reality TV liberates audiences from the chains of dignity

2001 - Religious zealots grow weary of the tedium of peace

1991 - Cold War ends, Americans largely indifferent

1983 - Crack cocaine allows whores to see themselves in totally new light

1967 - America fights low-grade war against insurgent group

1966 - Vietnam War considered charming by white suburbanites

1901 - Ransom E. Olds introduces Americans to the monotony of soul-crushing factory work

1861 - Angry racist Northerners fight to free slaves from angry racist Southerners

1776 - England fights low-grade war against insurgent group

1492 to 1775 - European peasants infect one another with deadly diseases

1491 - Indigenous people of Western hemisphere overcome with horrible sense of foreboding

1095 to 1101 - Religious zealots grow weary of the tedium of peace

250 - Italian Tourism Bureau introduces "When in Rome" campaign

66 - Enthusiastic Jews trade in strict, binding customs of Judaism for stern, confining rules of Christianity