Kirstie Alley Petitions Court For Schiavo Feeding Tube

WASHINGTON--As news circulated on Friday that doctors had successfully removed the feeding tube that has kept Terri Schiavo alive for the past 15 years, "Fat Actress" Kirstie Alley petitioned Circuit Judge George Greer to have the tube inserted into her own Oreo-bloated body.

"If she doesn't want it, I'll take it," said Alley. "Frankly, it seemed like the only way to save me from the indignity of chewing."

Clinton Has Bush Tumor Removed

Former President Bill Clinton underwent surgery today to have a growth removed that was later identified to be the elder George H.W. Bush. Clinton initially noticed the benign lump on his hip earlier this year while traveling in Asia to survey the damage of the tsunami that devastated much of the region.

Credit Card Industry, Religious Right Sponsor Bankruptcy Amendment to Bible

WASHINGTON--In a partnership of piety and profiteering, the credit card industry and the religious right have joined forces to sponsor an amendment to the bible that would make it harder for consumers to declare bankruptcy and easier for creditors to claim repayment of debts well into the afterlife.

The amendment would require that consumers provide God with a clean credit report from an authorized reporting agency in order to enjoy everlasting peace.

"People would like to think that they can escape their debts by dying," said Sen. Charles Grassle, R-Iowa, the amendment's primary author. "It's time we closed this loophole. God may forgive sins, but he doesn't forgive debts, at least not anymore. This amendment ensures that unscrupulous debtors are forced to replay their debts, even if it means working a minimum wage job in heaven. After all, some one is going to have to park the cars and clean the toilets in rich man's heaven."

The amendment does provide special exemptions for select organizations such as the airline industry, the petroleum industry, Republican campaign organizers, Halliburton and Dick Cheney's alchemy club.

Victoria's Secret Offers Support to Washington Boobs

WASHINGTON--Victoria's Secret announced earlier today that it will provide President Bush with technical assistance as he embarks on a 60 day, 60 city tour to promote his plans to privatize Social Security. The company has offered the Bush administration full use of the patented technology in its new IPEX bra, which has raised the bar in the field of breast distortion and illusion.

"We've spent a tremendous amount of R&D money on learning to exaggerate boobs," said Jeffrey Wilman, Victoria's Secret's design chief. "This is really just another application of that same technology. You'd be amazed at what can be accomplished with a little lace and piano wire."

For his part, Bush said that he was happy to have the support of the company. "To tell you the truth, this sounds like a lot of fun," he said. "It reminds me of that time in my life that we don't discuss, when I snorted that stuff that we don't discuss when I was supposed to be on duty at that place we don't discuss. Good times."