Today in History - February 25

990 BC - Bear worshiping cave dwellers scoff at the beliefs of goat worshiping tree people

450 - Anglos and Saxons combine DNA to form ultimate race of bad dancers

1859 - Religious zealots seek to obstruct science

1933 - "Great Depression" moniker considered misleading

1949 - Chinese communists celebrate victory of "The People's Revolution" by starving citizens

1955 - Americans confront the dehumanizing mechanics of communism with the dehumanizing mechanics of track housing

1967 - Dirty hippies gear up for "Summer of Love" with spring of "I like you a lot"

2005 - Religious zealots seek to obstruct science

SpongeBob, Jeff Gannon Plan June Wedding

TORONTO--Recently outted cartoon character SpongeBob and right-wing reporter turned homosexual escort Jeff Gannon recently announced that they plan to exchange vows in a private ceremony this summer in Toronto.

Controversy continues to surround Gannon, who was often given special treatment during White House press briefings, over his appearance on gay porn sites like Hotmilitarystud.com, Workingboys.net, Militaryescorts.com, MilitaryescortsM4M.com and Meetlocalmen.com.

However, SpongeBob has publicly sworn to stand by Gannon and not be absorbed into the mire. "This is a very joyful time for both of us," he said. "We're very much looking forward to merging our pineapples and building a life together."

SpongeBob, who was outted by Christian nut James Dobson, is no stranger to scandal. Earlier this month, it was revealed that, prior to achieving success on the small screen, the cheerful yellow sea creature worked as a contraceptive Todays Sponge and appeared in several homemade films with former Teletubby Tinky Winky.

How To Tell If You're Under the Mind Control Of:

George Bush - have desire to kick ass, any ass

The Mainstream Media - have desire to kiss ass, any ass

Arnold Schwarzenegger - have desire to grope ass, any ass

Donald Rumsfeld - have desire to kick own ass

Robert Blake - have desire to save own ass

Fox News Corp. - have desire to elect assholes

The FCC - have desire to ban use of the word "ass"

Karl Rove - have desire to be an ass

Hunter S. Thompson Shoots Neighborhood Pest

By Heuvelmeyer

WOODY CREEK, COLO. -- Police called to the home of journalist Hunter S. Thompson Sunday night told relieved neighbors that the celebrated author had just shot and killed "the most obnoxious resident" of Woody Creek. The victim, identified as Hunter S. Thompson, was a well-known NRA member with a long history of run-ins with the law, an uncontrollable addiction to mind-altering drugs, and a reckless fondness for loaded guns.

Bush Says America Would Back A Ron Artest Attack on Iran

By Heuvelmeyer

WASHINGTON--President Bush added a new twist to the international tension over Iran's nuclear program last night by pledging to support Ron Artest if he tries to destroy the Islamic regime's capacity to make an atomic bomb.

Asked whether he would back Artest if he left the court to raid Tehran's nuclear facilities, Bush first expressed cautious solidarity with the suspended Indiana Pacer. But he quickly qualified himself, adding that all NBA players should be concerned about whether Iran could make nuclear weapons. "Clearly, if I was a power forward on any playoff-caliber team, and I'd listened to some of the statements by the Iranian ayatollahs, suspended or not, I'd be concerned," he said.

Cyber-Thief Steals Corey Feldman's Identity, Then Returns It

BURBANK, CALIF.--In the latest case of identity theft, Steven Rabinski, 26, turned himself in to authorities after stealing former child actor Corey Feldman's identity, only to return it hours later.

Rabinski, a noted computer hacker, said in a signed confession that he had stolen Feldman's personal identity information from the computer system of Fair Collections Inc., a Los Angeles-based collection agency.

"I was sifting through the files and there he was," said Rabinski. "I thought it would be really great to be that guy from 'Silver Bullet' and 'License to Drive.' Wait, that's the other Corey. Anyway, I thought that it would be fun to be Corey Feldman. How wrong I was."

After securing Feldman's personal information, Rabinski went to Burbank Tavern. After his second glass of white wine, Rabinski allegedly stood on his bar stool and introduced himself as Feldman in an affected Shakespearian accent, according to witnesses in the bar.

"Behold, before thee stands a player of great renown, and methinks thou humble patrons are in for a treat this fortnight," Rabinski reportedly announced to the
crowd.

"I thought that it was odd, but we see a lot of odd things around here," said tavern regular Pete Jennin. "Still, this was the first time anyone has ever come
in here in a pirate costume."

When bar patrons failed to respond to Rabinski's antics, he allegedly burst into tears and began to threaten bar owner Kyle Christian.

"He just went berserk," said Christian. "He wadded his fists in two plum-sized balls and threw them in my direction. Of course, it didn't hurt. It was sort of tender, really."

Rabinski was eventually escorted out of the bar, where he proceeded to a nearby ATM and attempted to withdraw $40 in cash from Feldman's account. To his surprise,
the machine denied his request due to a lack of funds.

"It was at that point that I realized that being Corey Feldman is much harder than it looks," said Rabinski, who then deposited $30 of his own money into Feldman's account and turned himself into authorities.

Burbank District Attorney Greg Schneider told reporters that his office would prosecute Rabinski, but would likely recommend only a small fine.

"I don't think that there is any point in further humiliating Mr. Rabinski," said Schneider. "I think he's learned his lesson the hard way. I can only imagine the nightmarish punishment he endured during his hours as Corey Feldman."

At a news conference on the steps of the Burbank Court Building, the real Feldman appeared before reporters and newscrews dressed in a black unitard and a lavish
golden cape.

"Identity theft is a serious crime," said the former Goonies star. "But thankfully the perpetrator was caught before he could do any damage to my reputation."

Feldman then taunted reporters with a deck of cards."Pick a card, any card," Feldman said. "Seriously, I'm getting really good."

Hours later, Feldman continued to harass pedestrians walking by the building, as well as court officers. After failing to obey repeated requests to leave the property, Feldman was arrested on a single count of disturbing the peace.

Feldman is schedule to appear in court later this month.

Poll: How Will Americans Spend the Next Four Years?

11% - Getting high on the burning fumes of democracy

9% - Checking Dick Cheney for suspicious-looking moles

36% - Tea-bagging Paris Hilton

22% - Listening to James Earl Jones read the New Testament

15% - Pointing to where Catholic priests touched their no-no places

7% - Attending "Welcome to Canada" fish fries

Commentary: Mending Fences

United we stand, divided we fall.

The past few years have seen the American public split on core issues like never before, and the years of this intellectual warfare have taken their toll on friends, neighbors, family members and hobos shouting obscenities in the subway.

Simply put, Americans have been unable to find common ground regarding their thoughts on President Bush. To some, he is a megalomaniac asshole, while others find him to be a simple-minded douche bag.

We at the U.I. believe that there is room in the American political landscape for compromise. Perhaps when time heals the wounds of the recent past, we can all come together in a moment of harmony and agree that the President is both a megalomaniac douche bag and a simple-minded asshole. Let the healing begin.

History Through the Eyes of Pol Pot

"If I had to do it all over again, I'd take more time to smell the flowers. Yes, smelling flowers would definitely have helped to mask the stench of the three million people I slaughtered in The Killing Fields. Oh, and I'd grow a mustache, too. A Tom Selleck mustache. That would have been sweet."

--former Cambodian leader Pol Pot, upon his death in 1998

Fox News Accuses Itself of Liberal Bias

WASHINGTON--The Fox News Channel, often thought to be a mouthpiece for conservatives, turned its claws inward on Monday when it chastised itself for its own liberal biases.

Anchorman Brit Hume said that it was his journalistic duty to expose all traces of liberalism, even if that meant revealing his own seemingly innocuous character flaws. "To be fair and balanced, I owe it to our viewers to confess that sometimes while I'm smearing the names of honest men, I have a hint of guilt, not a lot, but a little," he said. "It's liberal guilt and I'm ashamed of it."

Hume then proceeded to tell viewers that if Democrats were to win in the congressional mid-term elections, they would likely celebrate by drowning Hefty bags filled with puppies.

Commentary: End Corruption with Kick to Nuts

Deeply embedded in the bowels of Washington, U.I. political strategist and historian #1183 has found a solution to corruption in American politics--a good, old-fashioned nut kicking.

It's an age-old strategy that dates back to turn of the first century when tribal Scotsmen would test a man's integrity by his willingness to submit to a punt to the chumblies. The Scottish Lie Detector, as it came to be know, ensured that any man who stood up to be a clan leader did so with the most pure of intentions, or with testicles made of granite.

A special U.I. advisory committee to all governing bodies has recommended that any man or woman who seeks elected office must submit to a boot to the boys from voters at the end of their term. (In the case of women, purple nurples may be substituted.) Citizens, of course, have the option to kick as gently or as hard as they like, depending on their satisfaction with the official, which will dramatically shift the idea of earned political capital.

Bush to Threaten Iran with Scowls in State of the Union

WASHINGTON--As President Bush prepares to deliver his State of the Union Address on Wednesday evening, administration officials have warned that he will set aside the fiery rhetoric of past speeches in favor of a series of smirks, pouts and scowls aimed squarely at the leaders of Iran's theocracy.

"I have seen the President rehearse his speech. I've seen the scowls. All I can say is, I wouldn't want to be in Tehran tomorrow night," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan.

In past addresses, the President has referred to Iran as being part of the "Axis of Evil," and as "Iran-apotemia," which was later clarified to simply mean Iran.

While the President's word choices have strained already tense relationships with the Iranian government, they have done little to curb the country's clandestine nuclear program. As a result, the administration has changed its tactics.

"The President has been exercising with gob stoppers and filling his cheeks with Big League Chew for weeks," said McClellan. "He is loose. He is limber. And he is ready to glower."

Iranian officials responded to news of the impending facial melee by threatening retaliatory action.

"If Bush thinks that we are just going to sit back and endure a frowning, he'd better think again," said Iranian Vice President Gholamreza Aghazadeh. "We are more than capable of firing back with a nuclear arsenal, oops, I mean, facial retort, that the West has never seen."