Undecided Voter Finally Chooses Candidate

"I know that a lot of people might find my decision a bit hasty, but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to make a decision"

COLUMBUS,OHIO--After months of hand-wringing and late-night soul searching, 41-year-old undecided voter Deborah Radner declared on Thursday afternoon that she had finally chosen a candidate for the 2004 presidential race.

"I know that a lot of people might find my decision a bit hasty," said the twice divorced Radner, "but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to make a decision. After all, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

Radner said that for months she weighed the pros and cons of each candidate in a mental tug-of-war.

To help cement her decision, Radner said that she spent months watching daytime television and looking for answers in the spiritual realm. Searching for a biblical precedent, she even went as far as to burn her own bushes in her backyard.

"I thought that, if I lit them on fire, they might tell me their other-worldly secrets," she said. "But all it did was clear a way for my spring garden and destroy most of my garage."

In the end, Radner said that she intended to cast her vote for consumer advocate Ralph Nader.

"I had an uncle named Ralph," she said, proudly. "I feel real bad that he went to prison for me."

When informed that the presidential election took place more than two months ago and that President Bush was sworn in to a second term earlier in the day, Radner said that she had changed her mind.

"Oh, in that case, I think I'll vote for Bush," she said. "Considering that he already won, I definitely plan to vote for him."