Exclusive: Interview with God

Breaking away from his (or her) hectic schedule of saving and smiting both believers and non-believers alike, God sat down with U.I. for a brief chat.

U.I.: First things first, do you really exist?
G: Probably not. But for the purposes of this interview, yes, I do.

U.I.: Time to give it up. Who are the real chosen people?
G: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

U.I.: Oh, come on.
G: Hillbillies.

U.I.: Get the fuck out of here.
G: It's true. The back door to heaven is through a jug band jamboree.

U.I.: Isn't that the title of a Waylon Jennings song?
G: If it's not, it should be.

U.I.: So do you really hate gays?
G: Nah, just Richard Hatch from Survivor and a handful of clergy and senators. I love Ellen. She really brightens up daytime TV.

U.I.: What is heaven like?
G: It's pretty sweet. Kind of like Sea World. But $11 for a beer? Come on.

U.I.: As a personal request, would you stop VH1 from remembering the 90s?
G: I would if I could, but I lost control of the afterworld last year in a hostile takeover bid from Rupert Murdoch. My hands are tied.

U.I.: That sucks.
G: Tell me about it.