Exclusive: Interview with God

Breaking away from his (or her) hectic schedule of saving and smiting both believers and non-believers alike, God sat down with U.I. for a brief chat.

U.I.: First things first, do you really exist?
G: Probably not. But for the purposes of this interview, yes, I do.

U.I.: Time to give it up. Who are the real chosen people?
G: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

U.I.: Oh, come on.
G: Hillbillies.

U.I.: Get the fuck out of here.
G: It's true. The back door to heaven is through a jug band jamboree.

U.I.: Isn't that the title of a Waylon Jennings song?
G: If it's not, it should be.

U.I.: So do you really hate gays?
G: Nah, just Richard Hatch from Survivor and a handful of clergy and senators. I love Ellen. She really brightens up daytime TV.

U.I.: What is heaven like?
G: It's pretty sweet. Kind of like Sea World. But $11 for a beer? Come on.

U.I.: As a personal request, would you stop VH1 from remembering the 90s?
G: I would if I could, but I lost control of the afterworld last year in a hostile takeover bid from Rupert Murdoch. My hands are tied.

U.I.: That sucks.
G: Tell me about it.

Reality TV Star Discovers Nobody Cares

LOS ANGELES--Josh "Action" Jackson, former star of "Vote or be Voted," a reality television show where contestants vote one another on and off the program for unknown reasons, was stunned to discover that he isn't a real celebrity and will likely never work again in show business.

"I thought that I could parlay my 15-minutes of fame into a lasting career as an actor, singer, dancer, news caster, celebrity personality, side-kick, game show host or porn fluffer," said Jackson. "But when I stopped eating pig intestines and drinking monkey urine, it was like nobody wanted to watch me anymore. It was really strange."

Jackson is currently touring the country promoting a new brand of herbal supplements in gyms and healthclubs, though the FDA has raised concerns about the safety of the product. "I guess some people have complained about numbness and forgetfulness, but I can't feel a thing," he said. "So as we say in showbiz, the show must go...you know...to that place where it goes...when it's not here...you know...it goes there. That's showbiz."

Voting Equipment Shows Bush Lead in Iraqi Elections

BAGHDAD--Iraqi election officials voiced concern today when early tests of voting equipment spontaneously recorded over 4,000 votes for President Bush in a province with only 2,000 residents.

According to eyewitness accounts, when electronic voting machines were turned on at 8:00am on Monday morning, several had already logged hundreds of votes for Bush. By noon, votes for Bush measured in the thousands.

"While I'm not accusing anyone of any wrongdoing, I have a hard time believing that 4,000 Iraqis would vote for the white devil and Great Satan George W. Bush," said election commissioner Ayad Abdul-Hussein. "Especially since that was 2,000 more votes than were logged for Senator John Kerry."

The White House responded to the voting irregularity by saying that it was simply the result of an electronic glitch that could not be explained or recreated under laboratory conditions. However, the administration said that if Bush does in fact win the Iraqi election, he would view it as a mandate to replace the country's ethnic rivalries with class warfare.

FCC Bans the Word #@&##

WASHINGTON--The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced today that its Dirty Remarks Committee had unanimously decided to ban the use of the word #@&##.

According to FCC Chairman Michael Powell, though #@&## -ing is a totally natural human function, and despite that fact that everyone #@&##-s, the use of the word #@&## is far too obscene to be printed, broadcast or spoken in the presence of a medical professional.

"The time had simply come for us to ask ourselves **@$%#-ing hard questions, like what right do we as humans have to circulate words that seek to communicate the realities of the human experience?" said Powell. "When you think of it like that, banning these vulgar terms is a bit of a no-brainer."

John Mulbern, a free speech @#(## representing the (@=+!!@ Speech Organization of $$*@!@, responded to news of the ban with a simple, "That's #@##-ed up."

Mulbern was later fined $387,000 for that comment.

Recently, the FCC has embarked on an aggressive campaign to remove inflammatory or +@#$% words that cause @$#$% Americans to feel (:@@# from the English $%@#. If successful, the #$@#$ group will effectively @#$#$ the ability for #$^&* to #\@!@ without the &^$#@#$ or use of a &^#@$.

Californians Celebrate Inauguration by Inducing Earthquake

SAN FRANCISCO--California Democrats marked President Bush's swearing in for a second term on Thursday by gathering with shovels, pick axes, mining drills and spoons along the San Andreas Fault. The goal, said dig organizers, was to induce a massive earthquake that would cause the California Coast to drift off into the Pacific Ocean.

"For years we tried to prevent 'The Big One' from plunging us into the abyss," said Democrat Jay Murch. "But now, that doesn't sound so bad. I mean, come on. A second term? Are you kidding me?"

In a rare expression of bipartisan unity, Republicans from neighboring states joined in the event.

"It's nice when we can find common ground to agree upon," said Rusty Plankford, a Nevada resident. "And I think that we can all agree that the California experiment hasn't worked, so let's just let them float off to build their heathen utopia."

Undecided Voter Finally Chooses Candidate

"I know that a lot of people might find my decision a bit hasty, but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to make a decision"

COLUMBUS,OHIO--After months of hand-wringing and late-night soul searching, 41-year-old undecided voter Deborah Radner declared on Thursday afternoon that she had finally chosen a candidate for the 2004 presidential race.

"I know that a lot of people might find my decision a bit hasty," said the twice divorced Radner, "but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to make a decision. After all, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

Radner said that for months she weighed the pros and cons of each candidate in a mental tug-of-war.

To help cement her decision, Radner said that she spent months watching daytime television and looking for answers in the spiritual realm. Searching for a biblical precedent, she even went as far as to burn her own bushes in her backyard.

"I thought that, if I lit them on fire, they might tell me their other-worldly secrets," she said. "But all it did was clear a way for my spring garden and destroy most of my garage."

In the end, Radner said that she intended to cast her vote for consumer advocate Ralph Nader.

"I had an uncle named Ralph," she said, proudly. "I feel real bad that he went to prison for me."

When informed that the presidential election took place more than two months ago and that President Bush was sworn in to a second term earlier in the day, Radner said that she had changed her mind.

"Oh, in that case, I think I'll vote for Bush," she said. "Considering that he already won, I definitely plan to vote for him."

Hearing-Impaired Hater Claims Hollywood Controlled by Shoes

DETROIT--In his first public speaking engagement as a volunteer for the Aryan Association of Unemployed White Men (AAUWM), Bobby Wexley, a 48-year-old hearing-impaired computer programmer, told a group of would-be racists that Hollywood is controlled by shoes.

"You wonder who is infecting your children with their unwholesome ideas? It's the shoes!" said a visibly angered Wexley. "It's the shoe-controlled media that hides the truth from us, and the truth is that every day the shoes get stronger while we get weaker. "

Several members of the racist organization confirmed Wexley's participation in the group, though they said that he usually stood in the back of the room and often asked fellow haters to repeat themselves during post-rant discussions.

When informed that the group had no bias either for or against shoes, but rather had the goal of asserting the power of white men over all other races, Wexley expressed surprise.

"Really?" questioned a perplexed Wexley. "In a way, that makes more sense. But still, that's probably exactly what the shoes would like for us to think."

Today in History - January 17

2004 - America fights low-grade war against insurgent group

2002 - Reality TV liberates audiences from the chains of dignity

2001 - Religious zealots grow weary of the tedium of peace

1991 - Cold War ends, Americans largely indifferent

1983 - Crack cocaine allows whores to see themselves in totally new light

1967 - America fights low-grade war against insurgent group

1966 - Vietnam War considered charming by white suburbanites

1901 - Ransom E. Olds introduces Americans to the monotony of soul-crushing factory work

1861 - Angry racist Northerners fight to free slaves from angry racist Southerners

1776 - England fights low-grade war against insurgent group

1492 to 1775 - European peasants infect one another with deadly diseases

1491 - Indigenous people of Western hemisphere overcome with horrible sense of foreboding

1095 to 1101 - Religious zealots grow weary of the tedium of peace

250 - Italian Tourism Bureau introduces "When in Rome" campaign

66 - Enthusiastic Jews trade in strict, binding customs of Judaism for stern, confining rules of Christianity

Opinions: Hobo Proves String Theory

LOS ANGELES--Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt separate. Major League Baseball copes with rampant steroid use. Tsunami disaster devastates Southeast Asia. Is there a connection? A transient, who goes by the name Stymie Rick, thinks there is.

"If you are a student of modern string theory, which I am, then you must acknowledge the interconnectedness of all things and all events, all of which are inherently linked by their existence in the fabric of space and time," said Rick. "The egocentric view that any event can occur in isolation, independent of the universal factors that both oppose and promote that event, is absurd."

Rick then lifted his shirt, exposing a healing abdominal scar, and announced angrily, "The cheese component of the whipping boy did me wrong! Yeah, hot shot! Yeah, hot shot! Presto!"

Albert "Al" Qaeda Changes Name

BLOCKTON, ARK.--Tired of an endless blitz of jokes and taunts from friends and co-workers, local pool salesman Albert "Al" Qaeda has officially filed the necessary papers to change his name.

"The ridicule really started to get to me and was affecting my quality of life," said Qaeda. "Since 2001, it's been relentless. I gained a little weight and suddenly I was Fat Albert, and Alberta Canada, and Albert The Fat Cuban Pool Guy. A name change seemed to be my only option."

Authorities are expected to quickly approve the request, which is good news to Qaeda, who said that he is anxious to begin life under his new name, Muslim Brotherhood.

Transcript of Bush Address to Nation

U.I. agents in the Washington bureau, using advanced fiberoptic trans-chronological information gathering techniques, have uncovered a transcript of President George W. Bush's farewell address to the nation, dated Jan. 18, 2009.

My fellow Americans, it has been my distinguished pleasure and honor to serve as your President for the past tumultuous eight years. During our time together, we have overcome many challenges, from the struggling economy, to the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and France.

Of course, there were those critics who said that America couldn't fight wars on five fronts, but I say to them, we can do six. That's right, Luxembourg, I'm looking in your direction. Watch it!

It's hard to image that just eight years ago forests and bountiful green pastures threatened to encroach on our fragile oil, nuclear and coal mining industries. There were those in America who didn't think it was possible to undo 50 years of environmental policies, but I did it, and it only took eight. And to that I say mission accomplished.

So tonight my fellow Americans, as I look out at my friend and vice president, Dick Cheney, floating in a jar of formaldehyde, being kept alive by anger pumped into him from the adrenal glands of agitated spider monkeys, I am filled with pride at what we have accomplished. I said I'd take care of the deficit and I did. Now, I know that some of you didn't agree with my decision to sell West Virginia to the Saudis, but it was the fiscally responsible thing to do. Plus, now my home state of Texas can move up a notch to reclaim its rightful place as the cultural armpit of America. I know that others didn't see eye-to-eye with me on my decision to allow General Mills to buy the naming rights to California, or should I say, Californios. But trust me, soon it will roll off the tongue as easily as New York Peppermint Patty or Best Buy-izona.

As I look back at the past eight years, I'm filled with a pride that can only be found in a free, democratic society where a man can be born into a wealthy and politically-connected family, scrape by with a C average at one of the country's finest educational institutions, fail time and again in business after business, develop an embarrassing reputation as an alcohol-bloated flunky, snort cocaine off of the linoleum floor of the bathroom at Camp David, find the lord, then become President. I only wish I could do it all over again. I guess I'll just have to live vicariously though my daughter, Jenna. Could some one please get her another trough of jello shots? Thank you.

In closing, I can't express my gratitude for allowing me to take the greatest country on the face of the planet and infuse it with archaic religious ideals that have hampered the third world for thousand of years. It's in this regression where I see our greatest progress. Now, I wish that I could continue to lead you on this journey and turn America into the backward society that it can become, but two terms is all I'm allowed. That is, unless Chief Justice Charlton Heston is interested in making a deal. Well, let's just say we're looking into it. So maybe this is farewell, maybe we'll see each other soon. Yeehaw!

God bless America!

Religious Right Sues Reality

MACON, GA.--Asserting that reality has no place in the classroom, the republican-leaning Society for Religious Intrusion (SRI) on Wednesday filed suit against the real world in the U.S. Superior Court of Georgia.

The suit seeks to remove all mention of real-world understanding, science and rational thought from the Georgia school system.

"We are simply sick and tired of facts and, frankly, reality, getting in the way of our religious beliefs,"said Justin Brandenwine, president of the SRI. "I don't want my children to learn things that distract from my narrow view of the world, like gravity. Objects fall to the center of the earth for one reason-- because Satan is a greedy S.O.B. and wants us all to suckle at his sugary-sprinkled teat."

Also named as defendants in the suit were reason, science, observation, knowledge, learning, objectivity and skepticism.

David Janckowski, dean of public affairs at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a professor of physics, responded to the filing with a mix of confusion and bewilderment.

"Seriously?" said Janckowski, who was twice nominated for the Nobel Prize in physics. "Are they really trying to undo thousands of years of human understanding?"

Brandenwine said that the goal of the legal action is not to eliminate science, but to cloud the boundaries between learning and fear. "It will be a proud day for us all when a volcano can erupt not because heat and pressure has built up beneath the earth's surface, but because our vengeful god is unhappy with our rampant fornication and tolerance of gays, the poor, old people, sick people, rock music, dancing, indoor plumbing and Jews," he said. "I look forward to that day."