Religious Right Sues Reality

MACON, GA.--Asserting that reality has no place in the classroom, the republican-leaning Society for Religious Intrusion (SRI) on Wednesday filed suit against the real world in the U.S. Superior Court of Georgia.

The suit seeks to remove all mention of real-world understanding, science and rational thought from the Georgia school system.

"We are simply sick and tired of facts and, frankly, reality, getting in the way of our religious beliefs,"said Justin Brandenwine, president of the SRI. "I don't want my children to learn things that distract from my narrow view of the world, like gravity. Objects fall to the center of the earth for one reason-- because Satan is a greedy S.O.B. and wants us all to suckle at his sugary-sprinkled teat."

Also named as defendants in the suit were reason, science, observation, knowledge, learning, objectivity and skepticism.

David Janckowski, dean of public affairs at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a professor of physics, responded to the filing with a mix of confusion and bewilderment.

"Seriously?" said Janckowski, who was twice nominated for the Nobel Prize in physics. "Are they really trying to undo thousands of years of human understanding?"

Brandenwine said that the goal of the legal action is not to eliminate science, but to cloud the boundaries between learning and fear. "It will be a proud day for us all when a volcano can erupt not because heat and pressure has built up beneath the earth's surface, but because our vengeful god is unhappy with our rampant fornication and tolerance of gays, the poor, old people, sick people, rock music, dancing, indoor plumbing and Jews," he said. "I look forward to that day."