Transcript of Bush Address to Nation

U.I. agents in the Washington bureau, using advanced fiberoptic trans-chronological information gathering techniques, have uncovered a transcript of President George W. Bush's farewell address to the nation, dated Jan. 18, 2009.

My fellow Americans, it has been my distinguished pleasure and honor to serve as your President for the past tumultuous eight years. During our time together, we have overcome many challenges, from the struggling economy, to the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and France.

Of course, there were those critics who said that America couldn't fight wars on five fronts, but I say to them, we can do six. That's right, Luxembourg, I'm looking in your direction. Watch it!

It's hard to image that just eight years ago forests and bountiful green pastures threatened to encroach on our fragile oil, nuclear and coal mining industries. There were those in America who didn't think it was possible to undo 50 years of environmental policies, but I did it, and it only took eight. And to that I say mission accomplished.

So tonight my fellow Americans, as I look out at my friend and vice president, Dick Cheney, floating in a jar of formaldehyde, being kept alive by anger pumped into him from the adrenal glands of agitated spider monkeys, I am filled with pride at what we have accomplished. I said I'd take care of the deficit and I did. Now, I know that some of you didn't agree with my decision to sell West Virginia to the Saudis, but it was the fiscally responsible thing to do. Plus, now my home state of Texas can move up a notch to reclaim its rightful place as the cultural armpit of America. I know that others didn't see eye-to-eye with me on my decision to allow General Mills to buy the naming rights to California, or should I say, Californios. But trust me, soon it will roll off the tongue as easily as New York Peppermint Patty or Best Buy-izona.

As I look back at the past eight years, I'm filled with a pride that can only be found in a free, democratic society where a man can be born into a wealthy and politically-connected family, scrape by with a C average at one of the country's finest educational institutions, fail time and again in business after business, develop an embarrassing reputation as an alcohol-bloated flunky, snort cocaine off of the linoleum floor of the bathroom at Camp David, find the lord, then become President. I only wish I could do it all over again. I guess I'll just have to live vicariously though my daughter, Jenna. Could some one please get her another trough of jello shots? Thank you.

In closing, I can't express my gratitude for allowing me to take the greatest country on the face of the planet and infuse it with archaic religious ideals that have hampered the third world for thousand of years. It's in this regression where I see our greatest progress. Now, I wish that I could continue to lead you on this journey and turn America into the backward society that it can become, but two terms is all I'm allowed. That is, unless Chief Justice Charlton Heston is interested in making a deal. Well, let's just say we're looking into it. So maybe this is farewell, maybe we'll see each other soon. Yeehaw!

God bless America!